2 years, 9 months

don't settle for the love that we accept in an effort to avoid the loneliness and uncertainty that sometimes comes with waiting for the love we really want and need. you should not settle for the person you found to replace the person you really want, even if you haven’t found them yet. nobody deserves that. you don’t deserve that.

it is always funny when you watch someone try to embrace things that they used to actively mock

we don't often talk but i've stopped counting the days so it feels like things have improved

i never look at my facebook activity because i would have a nervous breakdown probably

need to crawl under a rock for ~1 year to 'refresh'

i frequently hear people say that the 'healthiest' relationship is one where you can completely be yourself. i don't really believe this because it seems insane to brand someone with any other label  than 'themselves'. regardless of who/what you are trying to emulate, in doing so you are still operating as 'yourself'. the changes one makes to their life only contributes to creating what the world perceives as 'you'

i feel like instead of finding someone you can be 'yourself' with, the optimal outcome of 'falling in love'/dating seems to be finding someone with which to do things that you would otherwise do alone

eg: binging on nextflix for hours, showering, having an orgasm, sleeping, frequently touching

or more abstract things that could be done with non-significant others (lol) but are often done alone

eg: growing, decision-making, raising a child, drugs, dying

but it seems like those in long term relationships are frequently content spending time with exclusively each-other which retrospectively sounds insane, but is what ~90% of my own long-term relationships have resulted in

it would be great if everybody started touching each other all the time probably

maybe everybody would be happier

generally

new years is always either an extremely depressing or "weird" experience for me. it seems like it has gotten worse over the years, and each new years event is more depressing than the last one. my friends tell me that i have a curse, and i should probably just stay home for new years to avoid unsettling or upsetting events. it often feels like i am cursed re new years mostly because of the severity of each negative event, and the consistency (haven't had a positive new years experience for ~8 years)

this year i didn't have any real plans up until ~4 hours before leaving the apartment. my ex texted me "sup for nye" and we half-heartedly made plans, but i had a feeling they wouldn't work out. i also made plans to go to mandalyn's house and spend nye with her and her boyfriend, but decided that would be depressing and i would feel like a third wheel. gislina and i were apartment sitting for a friend of hers who lived in a weird area not very close to buses, so we had to walk to the liquor store to get alcohol for our separate evenings. by the time we got there it was closed (holiday hours i guess), and my iphone ran out of batteries because of the cold so we sat in a coffee shop across the street. we walked to a beer store nearby and a person named zac was working, but i didn't really want to talk to him so i pretended to be having an important conversation with gislina. we got our beer and gislina went back to the apartment to meet her boyfriend. i walked to a bar a block away to charge my phone, but it was closed and i immediately regretted not going back to the apartment. at this point i felt 'cursed' already re the circumstances as so far a substantial amount of negative things had already happened. at ~9:15pm the following negative things had occurred so far:

- very vague new years plans
- -35 degrees outside
- liquor store was closed
- phone out of batteries
- weird interaction at beer store
- bar that is normally open was closed
- no bus to apartment
- no way to check when bus will arrive
- virtually no way to contact anyone

i took a bus further downtown to try and catch another bus that would take me closer to the apartment so i wouldn't have to walk, but i waited for 25 minutes and no helpful busses came. i hailed a cab and asked the driver to charge my iphone, and while he did he commented on my hat which resembled a cats ears, and made me meow ~15 times while he lied to his wife on the phone about where he was. when my phone turned on i got a call from my friend caroline saying she and her boyfriend would meet me at keenan's house (a mutual friend/acquaintance) in 15 minutes. i asked the cab driver to drive me there instead, but he was still on his phone talking to his wife, so he drove my to the apartment, then to keenan's house. he kept asking me if i was going to get 'fucked up' and what my plans were for the evening, and i felt nervous and upset the entire ride. i tipped him $1 but regretted tipping him at all

i was the first person to arrive at keenan's, and felt immediate anxiety. keenan and i do not know each other very well and are both slightly awkward and nervous re 1 on 1 interaction which made for an uncomfortable first 15-20 minutes. keenan got a text saying the party we were planning on attending was cancelled, so we spend the next hour trying to make other plans. janine, caroline and her boyfriend mark arrived ~45 minutes later and my ex nathan texted me saying he was 'en route'. i told him that the party we were going to was cancelled and felt that he and his girlfriend jane would not wind up coming. 15 minutes later he texted me;

"ok we might meet there or else not"
"h8 nye"
"ya i think we might just stay in the south end at janes. don't really want to go out"
"f nye"

i felt simultaneously disappointed and relieved that i wouldn't see him that night. those of us who were at keenan's decided to go to a party hosted in a warehouse hosted by fashionable lesbians. when we got there a dj was playing 90's pop punk to an empty room. we later discovered that the 'actual party' was in another room in the warehouse. we met up with seth (another acquaintance friend) after finding a place to put our coats. this room had considerably better music (early 2000's pop/r&b) and played kelis during the countdown. i felt lonely but fairly content at midnight, which seems to often be the most anxiety inducing moment during new years eve. i was surprised that i remained calm re not kissing anyone or making any 'meaningful connections'. at 12:45 keenan offered me mdma which i took and immediately regretted. 3 minutes later the power went out and did not come back on. i felt furious at myself for accepting the mdma and tried to throw it up in the bathroom but was couldn't because i was distracted by the word "cunt-nibbler" which someone had written on the bathroom wall. seth offered to drive us all to our next destination (which was decidedly caroline's house) but i asked to be driven home instead because i did not feel like bussing back to the apartment later on. when i got to the apartment gislina and her boyfriend brent were sitting at the table and seemed inclined to talk to me. brent asked me how my new years was;

"it was depressing and weird. like always" i said. "what did you guys do?"

"we had sex." said gislina.

"sweet. i took mdma and then came here. now i'm coming up and feel bummed about it."

"that sucks. sorry." said brent. "do you have any mdma left?"

"no, someone just gave me some. i'm going to go take a bath."

in the bath i felt extremely high and alternated between lying on my stomach and back for half an hour while repeating to myself "this will be ok. this is a time for reflection. reflect." i tried to begin reading communion by bell hooks, which mandalyn gave me for christmas, but the pages seemed to be vibrating and i couldn't focus at all. after getting out of the bath i put on sweat pants and a hoodie and turned off all of the lights in the apartment. i tried to watch 'drugs, inc' on netflix but couldn't concentrate, so i rolled around on the couch for ~2.5 hours. at 3:29am elliot messaged me on facebook. elliot and i have been close friends for almost 3 years, and recently had sex twice. i wanted to spend new years with him but he was in minneapolis and seemed focused on a girl who likes cocaine and has an eating disorder


1/1, 3:29am
elliot:

"lol hi"


1/1, 3:31am
sophia:

"lol hey lmao"



1/1, 3:31am
elliot:

"howse life?"



1/1, 3:31am
sophia:

"on mdma. on couch. staring at golden boy." i said "wbu"



1/1, 3:32am
elliot:

"sober. kinda bummed bout festivities tonight." "was sexting starbucks bb thru twitter dm for a while"

1/1, 3:32am
sophia:

"ya my nye was a bust (shocker)
that's good how'd that go (sexting)"


1/1, 3:33am
elliot:

"um good I think. idk she seems to hav v low self-esteem n does a lot of coke according 2 her tumblr so that's concerning"


1/1, 3:33am
sophia:

"bummer
fun project lol"


1/1, 3:34am
elliot:

"ya basically."


1/1, 3:34am
sophia:

"fixer upper
lol"


1/1, 3:34am
elliot:

"nurse her back 2 health then give up so she can date other normal boyz"


1/1, 3:34am
sophia:

"hahahaha
and so it goes"


1/1, 3:35am
elliot:

"she is into weirder art things than most surburban gurls I've been with but I guess that's just the internet talking"


1/1, 3:36am
sophia:

"yeah
not hard to seem 'cultured' on here
lol
that was bitchy
im sure shes good
the coke worries me
but im sure shes good"


1/1, 3:36am
elliot:

"I really wish I didn't find her tumblr because I am losing interest fast"


1/1, 3:37am
sophia:

"yeah"

...

1/1, 3:52am
elliot:

"just walked down the hallway of a 4 star hotel in my underwear ok cool"


1/1, 3:52am
sophia:

"sweet
very new years"


1/1, 3:53am
elliot:

"ya except sober n alone"


1/1, 4:04am
elliot:

"wpg sucks i don't really want to come back lol"


1/1, 4:04am
sophia:

"so gross here"


1/1, 4:05am
elliot:

"how is anyone there"


1/1, 4:05am
sophia:

"not a clue honestly
it's a nightmare"


1/1, 4:05am
elliot:

"no one leaves because they lack fomo?"


1/1, 4:05am
sophia:

"pretty much
or they think shit is happening here
cuz they don't know any better"


1/1, 4:06am
elliot:

"probably one of the scariest ailments to lack fomo"


1/1, 4:06am
sophia :

"for real
terrifying"


1/1, 4:08am
elliot:

"i basically need to date Sophia Amoruso or Zosia Mamet or like any ultrababe of that caliber
can't stop thinking bout it"


1/1, 4:08am
sophia:

"good to have goals"


1/1, 4:08am
elliot:

"like blake n instasteak"


1/1, 4:08am
sophia:

"what lol"


1/1, 4:09am
elliot:

"http://instagram.com/instasteak
how"


1/1, 4:10am
sophia:

"jesus"


1/1, 4:11am
elliot:

"they r having a child together?"


1/1, 4:11am
sophia:

"that's fucking mayhem"


1/1, 4:12am
elliot:

"yah dude"


1/1, 4:13am
sophia:

"goals"


1/1, 4:13am
elliot:

"i should prob give up on girls until the right one comes along"


1/1, 4:13am
sophia:

"just do whatever feels right
don't force anything
sounds dumb but
ya"


1/1, 4:14am
elliot:

"sex is fun tho but really can't emotionally handle listening to any more shit from surburban gurls ugh"


1/1, 4:14am
sophia:

"ya jesus"


1/1, 4:15am
elliot:

"not about to ruin my own mental state to save at least one unstable surburban gurl a month
*martyr 4 the burbs*
every amazing girl has a bf n every single girl has emotional problems
pretttttty much"


1/1, 4:17am
sophia:

"life
people are fucked"


1/1, 4:18am
elliot:

"just gonna finish school then make 100k /yr, then find a wife
i guess"


1/1, 4:18am
sophiaL

"sweet
sounds good haha"


1/1, 4:18am
elliot:

"go from 2006-2016 without rly dating
would b tite"


1/1, 4:19am
sophia:

"seems easy enough"


1/1, 4:29am
elliot:

"destined to a life of lustful dreaming and missed opportunities"


1/1, 4:29am
sophia:

"u gotta think positive thoughts"


1/1, 4:30am
elliot:

"excited n depressed at the same time, thx 2014"


1/1, 4:33am
sophia:

"damn wish i could go to sleep
ugh
gonna be up all night"


1/1, 4:33am
elliot:

"haha mdma"


1/1, 4:33am
sophia:

"/kills self lol"


1/1, 4:34am
elliot:

"same"


1/1, 4:41am
elliot:

haha
over everyone tbh


1/1, 4:42am
sophia:

"lmao same
over life
lying on floor currently
wish I had weed/was somewhere i could smoke weed lol
i need weed and a fucking massage lol"


1/1, 4:46am
elliot

"hahahaha
wish i brought drugs into this country
sometimes I can drink enough to feel something/nothing but usually it doesn't help anymore"


1/1, 4:56am
sophia:

"yeah
i honestly don't get much from drinking"


1/1, 4:58am
elliot:

"ya if I get blackout then I can actually be like engaging with people but other than that I'm over it"


1/1, 4:58am
sophia:

"yeah
i never get to blackout point
too pussy prob
just puke/fall asleep
only ever blacked out once
on 18th bday"


1/1, 4:59am
elliot:

"haha ya I do it all the time
hate that I have to get so bad in order to stop thinking about everything but I think it helps
ppl like me because of it maybe?
idk hard to explain
only time I can be real with a lot of people"


1/1, 5:00am
sophia:

"yeah"


1/1, 5:00am
elliot:

"just spend all my money buying people drinks and tipping bartender  friends"


1/1, 5:00am
sophia:

"yeah
thats why i do so many benzos honestly
helps me just deal with fucking people lol
bc i hate everyone i know in toronto so fucking much
if i wasn't taking benzos
ugh idek
i'd be impossible"


1/1, 5:03am
elliot:

"I was thinking how my anxiety is like so compartmentalized / context sensitive and it's fucking weird. any time I'm djing or at work or lobster, or anywhere that expects me to be that person, I'm basically playing a character and have no problem interacting with people but anytime I'm on my own, completely responsible for my own interactions, just so quiet so reserved"


1/1, 5:06am
sophia:

"yeah thats true. my anxiety is more constant and present but more dormant i thnik. i found out recently that this weird thing that has been happening to me since i was a kid where time feels like it speeds up and i get anxious and almost hear yelling sort of, found out that this was actually an anxiety enduced seizure"


1/1, 5:06am
sophia:

"whoops
have to deal with that shit when i get back
lol
were FUCKED"


1/1, 5:07am
elliot:

"hehehe
hahahah
maybe drugs are the answer
but like different drugs?"


1/1, 5:07am
sophia:

"idk i mean i have yet to find a better one
ya
like
prescribed
hahaha"


1/1, 5:08am
elliot:

"hahaha after I gave starbucks girl the mixtape I basically had an anxiety attack so bad I wanted to just barf everywhere and give up"


1/1, 5:08am
sophia:

"nightmare"


1/1, 5:08am
elliot:

"took me like 30 minutes before I could drive away ugh
i did it tho so that counts for something"


1/1, 5:09am
sophia:

"ya exactly
very proud"


1/1, 5:10am
elliot:

"just literally so weird how I could sleep with any girl at my bar but when I am on the other side of the bar and am actually interested in a girl, just basically useless"


1/1, 5:10am
sophia:

"kinda makes sense tho
one is meaningless, one is meaningful so obviously the latter holds more/ a different weight"


1/1, 5:11am
elliot:

"ya n have always had an insane fear of failure/rejection"


1/1, 5:11am
sophia:

"ya
you're overcoming it though
that was a huge step
giving her that mixtape
regardless of if it leads to anything or not
that was really important"


1/1, 5:24am
elliot:

"so fucked"


1/1, 5:24am
sophia:

"ugh
fuck
hate everything
feel so stressed lol"


1/1, 5:26am
elliot:

"ya I like to separate the clinical stress/depression from other stuff if possible. like I can recognize that clinical depression is a thing which makes me consistently feel like shit even though every thing is going well in my life and I have no reason to feel shitty. can't let dum brain chemicals get me down when really I should be happy. try to rise above it if/when possible u kno?"


1/1, 5:27am
sophia:

"yeah. i guess its just tough when i am literally alone 24/7
with no one to talk to ever
who actually gives a shit"


1/1, 5:27am
elliot:

"ya sorry that must be rough"


1/1, 5:28am
sophia:

"its ok
i deal
i'm getting sick of it though
thats why i 'm not going back to ocad next year
its only contributing to my depression"


1/1, 5:28am
elliot:

"ya fuck it"


1/1, 5:28am
sophia:

"yep"


1/1, 5:29am
elliot:

"school is not worth ruining your sanity"


1/1, 5:29am
sophia:

"yeah exactly
ughgghhhhghgh
so heavy lol"


1/1, 5:33am
elliot:

"yeah
i think i'm going to try and sleep now. have to wake up in a few hours probably
love you"


1/1, 5:34am
sophia:

"ok have a good sleep
love you too"


it felt comforting to have this interaction with elliot instead of being alone and high on mdma until the morning. i wanted to express how i was feeling romantically, but decided not to mostly because i didn't want to create a problem or "stir things up". in hindsight i feel like this was a good decision, esp since i genuinely value his friendship and am not set enough in my feelings that i would want to risk our friendship in pursuit of something more romantic etc. i probably won't express any of my romantic feelings to elliot ever, or at least not if we're in different cities/trying to improve our friendship like we are currently. as a result of the new years happenings, my prediction for the year is that i will spend a lot of time with acquaintances, do a lot of drugs, and correspond frequently with elliot, which sounds pretty ok actually

happy new year